A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies: "yes, caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before?" "Yes, I was in the army," he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says: "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks: "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says: "Yes, a mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says: "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm but you can start tomorrow at 10am, and carry on starting at 10am every day." The bloke is puzzled and asks: "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am? I'm not looking for any special treatment." "What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that.
A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?" "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive prat." ________________________________________ Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring .. So, at least I got home OK. ________________________________________ Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days." ________________________________________ As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done." ________________________________________ I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. ________________________________________ After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on. ________________________________________ I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered “ the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30. ________________________________________ Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in ________________________________________ I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That @hailfrank next door has still got my bloody shovel." ________________________________________ A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
What's the flashiest car British Leyland ever made? Austin Taceous! What's the difference between a lunatic with no hair and a lascivious barmaid? One is bald all over the head and mad as a hatter of course ... The other is hauled all over the bed and had as a matter of course
I know there's a lot to read and it's not exactly a joke (and it has been around for quite a while) but I think it needs to be shared!!! A review of Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell). . . After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good " Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status... So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
It's been reported by the NHS that masturbating twice a week increases your life expectancy by 20% now i have done the calculations and found out that i'm immortal
My doctor said to me, "Do you know your sperm count?" I said, "I didn't know they were that clever." I am so skint at the moment that I decided to spend my last pound on a scratch card. I could not believe my luck, I had f*ck all left to scratch it with Police forces are on a recruitment drive to find more Women Police Officers. Apparently, the reason there are so few women in the Police force is they just can't seem to grasp the concept of "The right to remain silent!"
