An Israeli doctor once said "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work." The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all way behind us. Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland. Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!!"
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance....
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
A bloke goes into a Welsh pub and asks for a gin and tonic. All the pub falls silent, then the landlord says "Where are you from boyo, you sound English"? "Er, I'm from Bristol actually" he replies nervously. "Bristol you say, and what do you do in Bristol, look you"? says the Landlord "I'm a Taxidermist" says the man "Taxi.... what"? says the Landlord, "is that something to do with transport boyo? The man says "No I stuff and mount animals" The landlord shouts "It's OK lads, he's one of us"
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a bus! Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the bus?" God replied........... "I didn't recognise you."
A spaceship landed in front of me and out of it step to 20 foot cream bun. It was one of those extra cholesterols. Someone asked me why have you got chocolate on your chest? I told him I was wearing Mars bra. I went to record shop. I said, what have you got by the Doors? He said, Bucket of sand and a fire blanket.
I went up to a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?" She looked puzzled, "Why talk to me?" "Because, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES The missus bought a Paperback, down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag;... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread. In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Mabel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Mabel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said "I am a dominator!!" Now if you knew our Mabel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like and stood on her left tit! Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done! She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!!" Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey!!
Probably only funny to those who remember Moose and Squirrel, to say nothing of Boris and Natasha. I can't help but hearing it said in the voice of Boris Badenov.
I caught my 14 year-old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard. I said, "Oi, I wouldn't do that if I was you" He said, "No, but you'd put your willy in Auntie Sarah while Mummy was at work" I said, "There's some chocolate ones in the fridge"..
Confession via Text message Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had received a subsequent message from his (now deceased) neighbour. THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'wi-fi' To 'wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.
2 Irish men in a bar… “So Paddy what’s yer ringtone?” says Mick “I’ve never looked Mick, but I'd imagine it’s a light brown colour”.
Man walking across the Sahara with a car door, meets a camel who was look bewildered, the Camel asks why! are you carrying a car door through the desert? the man replies, when it get's too hot I can put the window down.
My Great Grandfather fought in world war 1 and single handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
A woman was in labour. Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife " Are you my daddy?" The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say "No I'm not" At this, the baby disappeared back inside The midwife called the nurse The nurse came in and once again, the baby stuck it's head out and asked . Are YOU my daddy?" "NO. I am not!" Once again back in he went At this point hearing all this commotion, the father came in. Once again the little head appeared. "Are YOU my daddy?" "Yes I am" The baby pushed a little until it was half out, beckoned the father to come up close When the father was really up close, the baby reached out and stuck his finger in his fathers eye, and shouted "*****ing hurts doesn't it?!"
