I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head Life was tough in the Gateaux
Sadly I had a burglary also last night. All they took were my anti depressant tablets . I hope they are happy now.
A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5
The Mrs isn't very happy. Someone has nicked a pair of her pants off the washing line. She isn't to bothered about the pants she just wants the 12 pegs back !
My grandson said to me yesterday - can you make a noise like a frog ? - so I went - Rivit, rivit - Oh that's good he says. Why did you ask me that ? I said . Because mum says we can all go to Disneyland when grandad croaks.
I met an old school friend recently. 'Where are you working now?' 'I cook meals for the homeless, alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers and the unemployed' 'For a charity?' ''No, Wetherspoons'
A guy stood in a bar having a beer suddenly he got a huge smack across the back of his neck He fell to the floor dazed and looked up at the guy that did it, dancing from foot to foot the guy said Barnsley Karate champion 83 then walked away. The following week very similar stood at the bar doors crashed open slap, hits the deck with the guy dancing around say Huddersfield Karate champion 84 and Dodworth Champion 85 & 86 then danced out. One night the door crashed open in danced the Karate Champion looked around no one at the bar suddenly clang across the back of his head, he slumped to the deck then came round with guy standing over him with an iron bar in his hand saying Austin 53 starting handle
Mi teecher sed I wud be no gud at poetry cos ov mi dyslexia But so far I've made 3 mugs and a vase - so F U Mr. Mcpherson
A man told the doctor : "My wife's pregnant, but we haven't had sex in over a year. I don't understand it." The doctor said : "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." "What's a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man. The doctor replied : "Well, somebody's obviously had it in for you
I was driving through the town I used to live in, so thought I’d take a run past my old house to see what it looked like now. There was a car on the drive, so thought I’d knock and see if I could go and revisit the place! “No chance, pal”, came the reply, “you can **** right off” My dad can be such a a**hole.
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said I was looking for cheap flights. She got all excited which is strange as she's never shown any interest in darts before.