Freddie Mercury was invited to be on Celebrity Bake Off. The host says to him "So, Freddie, how many cakes will you be making for us today?" Freddie replies "I want to bake three..." (Puts coat on in anticipation .....)
My mrs brought home a 10 metre roll of bubble wrap last Sunday. I asked her what she wanted me to with it. She said ‘ just pop it in the corner’ I’m still here, it’s taking ages!
I’ll never forget how happy I felt when I saw my misses walking down the isle towards me, my heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable, it seemed to take an age but there she was , stood beside me, I gave her a cheeky wink and said “ get that *****ing trolley over there, they are doing 3 cases of London pride for the price of 2“
Bloke goes in the pub with his mate who stutters . Says”I’ll have a pint of your best bitter please barmaid and give donkey one too “ it goes on thru the night and barmaids getting curious , errm “donkey “ she says to his mate, “why does he call you donkey”. Dunno “ eaww eaww eawways calls me that”
women goes to a fancy dress party dress as a turtle , a man walks up to her and asks what that name on your back , shes says thats me shell
I've just been out and bought some Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't treat the burns but keeps the sheets of my legs.
A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade. Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.
Off to University in an attempt to improve my Cuppa Soup making technique. I'm doing a Bachelors Degree
