While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
An Irishman goes into a bar with a leprechaun and puts it on the counter. The little green man looks around, spots an Englishman, runs down the bar, gives the Englishman a raspberry, “FRRRRRBBBBTT” right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, “WTF!! Hey, what is that thing, anyway?” The Irishman replies "Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.” “Oh! Uhhh... all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. “Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little Illegitimate child!” he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again, “FRRRRRBBBBTT!” This time the Englishman is really mad! “Tell that bluddy leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his bluddy willie right off, I will!” he shouts. “You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t have willies.” “How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman. “They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go FRRRRRBBBBTT!"
Absolutely disgusting behaviour on the beach at Llandudno over Easter weekend ... I saw a man and a woman having an argument in front of loads of kids ... Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off ... There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his truncheon to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and his wife. Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages..
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A322 just outside bracknell early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
My dad told me once “you can be whatever you want to be, son. The sky’s the limit!” Shame really. I wanted to be an astronaut.
My mates dog died the other day, so I bought him an identical one to make him feel better. Dunno what he’s gonna do with 2 dead dogs though.
Whilst chatting in the pub to my mate, he suddenly said 'I don't look forward to the end of October' I said 'Why?' He replied 'There is one thing i don't like about Halloween' I asked 'Which is?' He said 'Yes'
As it’s on topic.... In a galaxy, far,far away...A bounty hunter goes into a shady restaurant on Tattoine for something to eat. He asks the waiter for the menu, and looks at the days specials. After a while, he says to the green, two headed guy on the next table, “say, what do you recommend for lunch?”. The alien says,”Anything but the burgers,’cos their chewy!”.
Young lady got locked out of her camper today . She tried the AA and then the RAC and neither could come out for a couple of hours . Anyway a young army chap was standing nearby n over heard .He came over and he said can I help she said , my doors looked and I can’t get into my camper .He said no problem and rubbed his bum up and down on her door . He said try that! And amazed she said golly how did you do that buy rubbing up and down on my door . He said it’s easy Ive got my CARKEY trousers on !!
Can't believe some idiot broke into my house last night and stole me limbo stick. How low can you go!?
