Extracts from my new book

Extracts from my new book 50 shades of Chav. "Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women"

50 shades of Chav. "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my velour tracksuit would be... hanging off the lamp shade tonight."

Another extract from my... 2nd book 13 flavours of WKD. "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time."

More from raunchy Chav fest 13 flavours of WKD. "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of am orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you"
Last extracts from the final book of the trilogy, My Tan was 11 Shades of Orange. "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same."

Final extract from the book 12 Shades of my Fake Tan. "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections"

 

Funny......I will cut and paste it into the wife's Facebook profile the next time she falls asleep with the laptop logged on. >

 

Can I ask which publisher you'll be using in order to keep an eye out.

 

I'm crying.

"He always took his rings off before he hit me"

 

That has just cheered me right up, quality