My cat stories and other tails....or lack of!!

due to popular demand.....well, a request I will relate to you a few stories about my cats

this may take a while to type out so I hope your sitting comfortably!!

...but before I start I would like to point out that I am an animal lover (no not in the illegal sense) and before I had children my cats were like my children as any pet owner can relate

all these stories are genuine accidents that happened to me and my cats and if I could have avoided them I would have......but some people do find them amusing and you have to see the funny side I suppose

they are titled:-

a cats tail

yellow kitty

and poison

ok hang on while I type the first one out........

 

Wow this must be some Tail, 1/2 an hour to type it out I'll take a catnap while you make sure it's purrfect as I'm feline tired.

 

I'll start with 'A Yellow Kitty' (in chronological order)........

I got Solomon and Nero as 2 young kittens, they were/are Siamese cats and although many people think they are spiteful they are in fact one of the most loyal cat breeds....in fact mine behave like little dogs, they would play fetch....follow me around......sit on my shoulder....they are very vocal and demand a lot of love and attention....which can get a bit much some times!

.....anyway

it was one morning, a dark morning the first morning back to work after christmas break to be precise

It was 6 O'clock in the morning, dark and Mrs Diddymen was in bed asleep as she didnt have to go back to work that day and was enjoying a nice lay in.

I of course had to go to work (booo )

Now I'm sure we can all relate what its like to wake up with a full bladder and need to run to the bathroom.....this morning was one of those.

Now, the cats were not aloud into the bed room due to their overwhelming need of constant attention which would often lead to a bad nights sleep.....so as soon as my alarm clock ripped me out of my slumber they would gather outside the bed room door like a pride of lions.

Up I got and transversed the cats on the landing(nearly tripping over them and going head first down the stairs as I did) in a desparate dash for the bathroom ....no lights were turned on at this point as I like to hold onto the last remanents of sleep as I wander around zombie like eyes closed in the dark of the morning.

feeling my way to the bathroom, I open the door and slip inside

....I have to point out that the cats were not aloud in the bathroom by Mrs Diddymen as they had a habbit of leaving dirty foot prints over the nice clean white bathroom suit.

so I push the bathroom door closed behind me (still in the dark) and still desparate to relieve my painfully full bladder and along the way I turn the bathroom light on

blinded by the sudden light, my eyes hurt....so I shut them and feel my way along the familiar wall until I reach the toilet

....another point to note at this point was that I had one of those annoying toilet seat which would not stay open on its own.....while not a problem for the ladies, us chaps standing up will appreciate the annoyance of having to hold it open

.....anyway, I reach the toilet (eyes still shut) and fumble for the toilet seat and lift it up (eyes still shut) rumage around in my underware to pull out my 'old chap' and feel the sudden pleasure of relief as I let flow....ahhhhhhhh (eyes still shut)

about now, even with my eyes shut I begin to become acustom to the light of the light fitting so I open my eyes

to be confronted with Solomon sitting on the toilet cystern....suddenly worrying I'll get into trouble with Mrs Diddymen (fast asleep) if she finds out the cat is in there.....I am at this point in full flow

but I think she wont find out....he's ok sittin........

suddenly there is a slipping sound of claws desparatly trying to grip porcaline.....and he falls into the toilet

I am still in mid flow and unable to stop at this point

I am unable to let go of the toilet seat as it will a) slam close trapping him inside b) slam closed and I will P on it and it will end up spraying every where

I am unable to let go of 'the old chap' as it is comming out at such a force it will be like an unattended fire hose spraying every where

.......I have no choice but to continue

I try to avoid solomon as he scrambles against the wet side of the toilet and he is getting wetter every secon

.....I finally finish and shake off the last few drops and dont fancy getting him out of the toilet

....fortunatly now the torrent has subsided, Solomon makes his own way out of the toilet......into the pristine bathroom.....now no longer a beautiful white colour.....but a dirty yellow

......I decided at this point it would be safest to contain the mess within the bathroom and shut the door with the cat inside as I leave

I also decide at this point I had better own up to Mrs Diddymen....so I tell her(she really did say 'your taking the p')....strating to get angry with me I decide to make my excuses and tell her I'm late for work and I leave the house.............

When I got home that night after work I was confonted by Mrs Diddymen who had lacerated arms from the fun of bathing a cat

.....it was suggested I might like to sleep in the shed that night

(no cats were harmed)

 

That's Brilliant, next please
I do the same eyes half shut no lights on thing when I wake up

 

a cats tail...........

When Solomon was still a small kitten he was sadly run over .....very badly injured he ended up having his back end rebuilt (a bit like my van but he had more metal in him when he left the vet than my bus did when I started my resto) ....so he had a natural caution towards vehicles

as I've said, he would follow me around every where, what ever I was doing.....it becomes rather annoying some times

He would even sit on my shoulders whilst I was grinding and welding many years later ....oblivious to the noise

so one day I'm out doing some gardening, getting rid of some dead wood from the roses in the front garden....and solomon is in and out of the bush or sitting on my shoulder....no matter how many times I pick him up and move him out of the way.....he's straight back rubbing around me

so I'm pruning away, he's in the bush and a big truck startles him as it rumbles past

he ran out of the bush just as I was pruning a large dead breach and knocked the secaturs out of my hand as he runs by

.....but the crunch of the dead wood sounded different this time

....I get a sickaning feeling

....I call Solomon over, his tail goes up as he's pleased to see me and get attention then immediatly goes limp

....oh no

he came running over to me oblivious to what has happened.....then I spot the cut in his tail

I had chopped through his tail

I took him staright up the vets and they said they couldnt save the tail....but he would be fine...that will be £250 please

and to add insult to injury they bandaged up the stump with pink bandages .....so it looked like 'my old chap' those many christmas's ago

........and that is how my cat lost his tail I'm embarrest to say

When the vet asked what had happened I said I chopped through it, she laughed and said 'no, how did it really happen'

I explained again and she wrote something in her notes and gave me a stern look

 

Tears of laughter here, poor Solomon

 

well you've got to laugh about it I do....now....but I did blub a bit when I chopped it off!!!

heres a pic of him with all the tail he has left

 

I'm looking forward to the next installment.

 

Ha ha Catnipped
Glad he's ok,though

 

poison.......

ok this is not as funny as the others but put into context you can see some of the adventures we have had together and the absurdaty!!

before I start that though

when the 'boys'were kitens they used to bring some strange things home:-

2 small childs cuddly toys
1 gardening glove
1 sausage (hot)
1 large fillet of fish (hot)
1 car christmas tree air freshener
1 neck of an old t-shirt
and a scanty pair of womans knickers
to name just the things I can remember!!

regarding the last item, I used to live next to a very nice young lady who had the sort of assets that if she was selling a camper van....poptop would buy it!......any way, I made the mistake over the garden fence one day of asking her if this underware was her's (holding it up)......she looked at me like I was some sort of perv and had taken it off of the washing line my self and she never spoke to me again

other little accendents which needed vets visits were to remove a number of jars or pots from Neros head which for some strange reason he had the habbit of sticking his head into and getting it stuck ......the muffled meows were always commical

so we were at the vets on a monthly basis

back to the story.....

Mrs Diddymen had forbid the cats to get onto the kitchen worktops, so to get them off we used to have an old squirty bottle which we used to soak them with water......they soon got down and learnt not to go up there

one day Nero got up on the kitchen side.....so I picked up the squirter and sprayed him....he stood his ground and took it, and looked at me with contempt....so I squirted him again....and he still shrugged me off.......so I soaked him and he stayed put, so I moved him manuallyy

I noticed about an hour later he was still wet and wasnt looking too well which I thought was strange

......it suddenly dawned on me that the water bottle we sprayed the cats with looked the same as the kitchen cleaner bottles

....yes I had sprayed the cat with antibacterial cleaner

I looked at the lable (and this is the absurdaty of it) it actually said on the lable do not use on cats!!

so I rushed him down to the vet and told her I sprayed him with cleaner, she laughed and asked what really happened.....so I explained it again.....she gave me 'the look' and worte some thing in her notes

fortunatly Nero survived

and that was the day I poisened my cat

 

Nero used to visit the neighbours across the road from us on a frequent basis...I say visit them, he used to 'visit' their precious pedigree femail Persion. The told me one day quite excitidly that he used to come visiting and would often 'mount' their cat on the rug in front of the fire......I had visions of a bit of Barry White playing, Nero in front of an open fire.......he didnt mind an audience. They told me they would be quite excited to have his kittens

....I didnt have the heart to tell them he was neutered and he was probably just having a bit of fun

sadly Nero was killed by a dog quite a few years ago

but solomon is still going strong...in fact he is sitting around my neck like a scaf as I type this

as all pet owners know loosing a pet is sad, and loosing Nero really upset us. We decided Solomon was lonley and he seemed to be pining after his brother so after a while we decided to get 2 more Siamese kittens (Merlin and Rufus)

if Solomon and Nero were trouble Merlin and Rufus were doublw trouble!!!

this was about the time the first little Diddymen was on the way....and Mrs Diddymen couldnt put up with Merlin and Rufus antics any longer, they were always breaking tea pots, plates, shreading cushions and climbing curtains, but fortunatly my parents took them in (we still have Solomon)

but my parent we not immune to their antics.

......the cats learnt how to open their fridge

they took meat and other stuff on a number of occasions, so my dad used to put a chair in front of the fridge.....each night they would move the chair and open the fridge and help them selfs. So he put a chair and the heavy kitchen bin in front......at night they would move the chair and bin and help them selfs

he realised they were hooking at the side of the fridge to get it open, so he made a cover so they couldnt get there claws there to open it........so they opened it from the bottom instead

they had many sunday roasts and joints of meat before my dad decided to fit a child lock .......and they havent got past that yet........but my parents still forget to lock the fridge from time to time at their peril!!

Due to lack of fridge privilaves, Merlin and Rufus would open kitchen cupboards at night and rip open flour bags and anything else they could find.....so my parents had to fit child locks to the kitchen cupboards too

and that concludes my cat stories and other tails !!!

 

Great story's thanks very much for them
Al

 

An excellent read

None of our cats have ever been as bad/unlucky as yours, but then they were not Siamese just pedigree alley cats.

 

Great stories, they brought a smile to my face, thank you

I have two cats but no interesting stories to tell, apart from Fluffy getting locked in my van for 48 hours in the summer after we left the doors open. Poor thing we thought he had vanished when in fact he has been living in Daisy for 48 hours, I think he rather enjoyed camping but the only problem was that he p*ssed all over bed so the foam had to be replaced...expensive mistake!!!

The other cat Nermal thinks he's a meerkat and walks around on her hind legs sometimes, I worry about her she is definitely not right

 

Brilliant stories!
Cats are awesome

 

Brilliant Diddy, we had one of our cats bring in a whole cooked chicken, she was a tiny thing but absolutely wild Norwegian longhair ;D

 

Great thread Diddy. Now for the other story...

 

glad you all enjoyed it lol!

but nooooooooo I'm not tellin the other one on a public forum ......thats one for round the camp fire

......and dont go blabbing it in the staff room either !! (wish I hadnt told you now )