i met i girl in a nightclub last night and she told me she'd show me a good time. when we got outside she ran 100 metres in 9.5 seconds.
Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because... she couldn't see that well. We used to have empires ruled by emporers. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings. Now we have countries.
I've been invited to the Premature Ejaculation society dinner and dance. I asked if there was a dress code, they said no just come in your pants.
monkey and a bear go into a pub , drink beer all day , the bear passes out on the floor . the monkey gets up and walks to the door , bar man shouts you can leave that lion there , monkeys says it a bear not a lion
They've just held the World Conference on Contraception.....not everyone could make it; the Vatican delegation had to pull out at the last minute.
A couple of weeks ago at work,my mate fell into an upholstery machine. he's ok now though ,he's fully recovered...
my wife promised me she'd buy me a digital watch for my birthday, but in the end it turned out to be a wind-up.
as a mark of respect to prince,my local is putting on a wake tomorrow night-all you can eat for under 20 quid. I for one intent to party like it's £19.99
My Mrs went up the bathroom to get ready for a night out. After a while she called me up, I peek round the door and she says " does my bum look big in this? " I said " well to be fair its a small room " (Not my actual Mrs, she got a nice arse )
My wife and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my wife would be out momentarily as she was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shxt in the vegetable garden again."
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
