The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, 'Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.' The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor: Dear Father, 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the Cross as the 'Big T'. 5. The recommended grace before meals is not 'Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!'. 6. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as 'J.C. and the Boys'. 7. David slew Goliath, he did not 'Kick the Marmite out of him'. 8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water. 9. We don't refer to Judas as 'El Finko'. 10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as 'The Godfather'. 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it, for it is my body', he did not say 'Eat me'. 12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't 'stoned off his ass'. 13. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook'. 14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never 'Mary with the Cherry'. 15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-Pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A man was in court for murder and the judge says " You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a hammer" A voice in the back of the courtroom says "You Illegitimate child". Then the judge continues "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a hammer" Again, the voice in the back of the court says "You Illegitimate child" The judge says "Now, we can't have any more outbursts like that again or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's your problem? The man in the back of the courtroom says "For 15 years I've lived next door to this Illegitimate child and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one."
John sat still as the fortune-teller gazed into her crystal ball. Suddenly, she started to laugh uncontrollably so John leaned across and punched her in the nose. It was the first time he had struck a happy medium.
most of my relatives were police marksmen, apart from grandad who was a bank robber. he died surrounded by his family.
Two racists are walking down the street in Rome when they pass an Italian organ grinder with a monkey. One throw a $5 note into the monkey's tin. His companion is surprised. "Why did you do that? You've been telling me for years how much you hate Italians." "Well, they're so cute when they're little."
Urgh don't you hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper? Apart from that my first shift at the old folks home went ok
have you heard about the latest japanese camera it's so quick and so precise it can catch an australian with his mouth shut.
my best mates is a TVdirector and he's making a series about plane hijacking. he's just shot the pilot...
puntastic I had sunday tea at my sisters today...she asked me how many roasties I'd like..."Er? just a couple Ta" I replied "Honestly" she said, "you don't have to be polite..." "OK, I'll have four you tw..."
