"A bloke has always wanted to be an actor, but can never seem to get a break. Then, one day, his agent phones - "I've got an audition for you. It's only one line, all you have to say is 'Hark! I hear the cannons', but it's the opening line of the play and at that point you are the only one on the stage, so it could be a big break." So the guy goes to the audition and finds himself standing alone on the stage, watched by the director and the casting director. "Hark! I hear the cannons" he intones. "Again!" barks the casting director. "Hark! I hear the cannons" The director's on his feet applauding, "You're brilliant. we haven't seen anybody who can deliver the line half as well as that. You've got the part!". Naturally our hero is thrilled, but then he has a stroke of bad luck - his dear old mum has a bad turn and gets taken to hospital and, as a dutiful son, he feels he has to spend as much time as possible with her. So he phones the director and explains that he won't be able to make rehearsals and that, sorry though he is, they'll have to cast somebody else. Well the director won't hear of it. He insists that nobody else can do the big opening line so well, so he tells our chap not to worry about the rehearsals and to just turn up to the dress rehearsal the day before the play opens. So, our man spends the time with his mum, practising his line. "Hark! I hear the cannons" he'll quote, in his best RSC voice and his mum will applaud and tell him how brilliant he is and how he's going to be a great actor. The day of the dress rehearsal comes and his mum's much worse. He feels he can't leave her while she's circling the plug-hole, so again he phones the director and asks to be released. "No way" insists the director, "Nobody can say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' like you do. Just come along to the opening night and say 'Hark! I hear the cannons' the way you did at the audition and everything will be fine". So, our guy spends another day with his mum, who just wants to hear his big line over and over. "Hark! I hear the cannons!" he'll say and she'll respond, "Brilliant! Do it again" ... "Hark! I hear the cannons" and so on. Unfortunately she passes away during the night and our would-be actor finds himself in a whirlwind of paper-work and so forth, so much so that he doesn't notice the time pass until he realises it's only 45 minutes until curtain up. He jumps in his car and drives to the theatre like a mad man, all the way practising his big line, "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons", "Hark! I hear the cannons" He screeches into a disabled bay outside the theatre and runs up to the stage door. "Who are you?" asks the bouncer on the door. "I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" pants the bloke. "Bloody hell, mate, you're cutting it a bit fine. Get inside!" So he runs in and finds the stage manager, who asks him, "Who are you?" "I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" "Jesus! It's curtain up in 10 minutes get to wardrobe now!" So he runs up to wardrobe. "Who are you?" asks the wardrobe mistress. "I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" "Arg! Quick! Get this costume on!" And she throws him a Napoleonic uniform. He gets changed as fast as he can then gets told to run upstairs to make-up. "Who are you?" asks the make-up girl. "I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" "What? You're on in 5 minutes! Get in the chair!". She dabs some make-up on his face and sends him running to the wings. "Who are you?" asks the stage-hand there. "I'm 'Hark! I hear the cannons'!" "Bloody hell! Right, get centre-stage, the curtain's about to come up!" So our man runs to the middle of the stage and the curtain lifts in front of him and a spot-light illuminates him. Through the glare he can see a packed auditorium and he knows that he's got a sell-out performance for his very first stage appearance. Suddenly there's an almighty bang behind him and he yells, "What the **** was that!!!???"""
