I’ve been planting my herb garden so it’s all in alphabetical order. My mate said, “How do you find the time?” I said,“It’s next to the sage”.
Better a couple of days late than never: Hurt my arm this morning and had to go to hospital for an x-ray. As I was sitting waiting to be seen, the lad next to me says," Fair fa yer honest sonsie face! Great chieftain o' the puddin race!!" I was like, eh?!?!., I turned my head round to the the lady sat on my other side, she said, "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!". As I grabbed the next doc walking past I said, "here mate is this the psychiatric ward?" He says," no this is the burns unit! . happy rabbie burns day xx
A man goes into a record shop and asks if they have any records with wasps on. “Yes I do” said the man in the shop, “Would you like to hear it” “Yes please" The shop assistant played it. “ Thank you. That was nice” says the man,”Could I hear the B side now?”
A lawyer opened the door of his Volkswagen Touareg, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Touareg. "Officer, look what they've done to my Touareg!!!", he whiningly said. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid VW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my god....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?
Yorkshireman takes his car to the garage to have the spark plugs changed. Mechanic says "Are they Champion?' Yorkshireman says "No, they're not".