Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. My Geordie girlfriend found a pair of knickers in the glove box of the car.

    "What the hell are these?" she asked.

    "Knickers," I replied.

    "Oh, I've heard about them," she said, "just never seen a pair."
     
  2. ron

    ron

  3. A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

    She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

    “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”
    “We use it when we make love,” she said.

    The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

    The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

    What were you thinking ……..
     
    Pony, Uncle Nick, Day and 7 others like this.
  4. Paddy Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
    A Norwegian also applied for the same job. Since both applicants had similar qualifications they were asked to sit for a test and were led to a quiet room where they would not be interrupted.
    When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
    The manager went to Paddy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”
    Paddy said,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct and this being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”
    The Manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”
    Paddy started to get annoyed and asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”
    The Manager said, "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know'.
    You put down, ˜Neither do I".
     
  5. A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have some money and like a beer and a sh*g whenever you fancy.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
    Pony, jivedubbin, Pudelwagen and 10 others like this.
  6. A policeman knocked on my door the other day. He said, "Excuse me sir. Do you know H. B. ?" I said "Erm...no!". He said "Well, do you know A.J.?" Again I said "Nope!". He then said "What about G.N. or S.T. or even D.W?" I said "Nope. What's all this about?" He replied "It's alright sir, I'm just making initial enquiries".
     
  7. Poptop2

    Poptop2 Moderator

    One of these may be yours.

    [​IMG]
     
    Gingerbus, jivedubbin, Kkkaty and 7 others like this.
  8. A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

    Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him inthe kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see himwalk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

    After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

    "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

    She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

    "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes"
     
  9. Brian Wilson walks into a bar and shouts “Round, round, get a round, I’ll get a round.....”


    (don’t bother.....coat was already on pre-emptively)
     
  10. Poptop2

    Poptop2 Moderator

    upload_2020-1-23_19-47-5.jpeg
     
    jivedubbin, Louey and Jack Tatty like this.
  11. A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
    A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
    Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
    The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
    The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
    "What happened to her?"
    "My dog attacked and killed her."
    "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
    My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
    A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
    Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
    The man replied, "Join the queue."
     
    Meltman, F_Pantos, the2ems and 4 others like this.
  12. [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
    Kkkaty, cunny44, jivedubbin and 6 others like this.
  13. Lol, awful. Coat!
     
    Gingerbus likes this.
  14. Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides,
    Every where that mary went the lads could see her thighs.
    Mary had another skirt with slits right up the front ....... but she never wore that one.
     
    Gingerbus, Kkkaty, snotty and 4 others like this.
  15. A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot:

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

    They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

    At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

    "You must have worked very hard to earn all this." Said the cashier.

    The little girl proudly replied. "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house."

    "My goodness gracious." Said the cashier. "And will you be working on the house again next week?"

    The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

    "I think so. Provided those appleers at Jewsons deliver the lycheeing bricks on time."
     
    Uncle Nick, Kkkaty, snotty and 8 others like this.
  16. I asked my hairdresser the other day, what kind of cut would make me look more attractive to women? A power cut was not the answer I was expecting :eek:
     
  17. I asked my hairdresser the other day, what kind of cut would make me look more attractive to women? A power cut was not the answer I was expecting :eek:
     
  18. jivedubbin

    jivedubbin Moderator

    Wasn't funny the second time around
     
  19. I know :oops: Don’t know what happened. I’m putting it down to the site gremlin (No reference to @Barry Haynes ) :lol:
     

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