Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Poptop2

    Poptop2 Moderator

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  2. Poptop2

    Poptop2 Moderator

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    Merlin Cat, Soggz, Uncle Nick and 5 others like this.
  3. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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    Kkkaty, Merlin Cat, Soggz and 14 others like this.
  4. Sorry, another bad buy on my part!!! But I just spent £300 on hiring a limousine for the weekend and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver... I can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
     
    Dubs, Kkkaty, jivedubbin and 16 others like this.
  5. My wife says we need to have a chat about my childish behaviour.

    Like that’s going to happen during conker season.
     
    cunny44, Pony, Kkkaty and 8 others like this.
  6. Donald Trump takes a trip to Ireland alone. He's looking for a game of golf.
    He decides on Killarney and goes into the club.
    "Hi guys, I'm here on my own and looking for a really good player to have a round against tomorrow, I mean really good, after all I'm a stable genius and super gifted at everything"
    Pat Mc Gillyfray says "If you're really as good as you say then there's only one man you can play and that's Brian O'Fart, he's handicapped at about 3 but plays better than that, here's his number"
    Donald calls Brian and asks if he's up for a game
    Brian says " I'll be there at nine o'clock but I could be half an hour late, is that OK?"
    "No problem" says Donald.
    The next morning Brian turns up at 9 o'clock with a bag of left handed clubs and smashes Donald by 6 at the close.
    Needless to say Donald was not happy and called for a rematch to which Brian agreed.
    "I'll be there at nine o'clock but I could be half an hour late, is that OK?"
    "No problem" says Donald.
    The next morning Brian turns up at 9 o'clock with a bag of right handed clubs and smashes Donald by 8 at the close.
    Donald is not happy.
    "I've been off my game, we need one more game tomorrow. By the way, you've played me left hand and beat me, played me right hand and beat me. How do you decide which bag to bring?"
    "Well" says Brian, " If the wife is sleeping on her left side, well, I bring the left handed clubs. If she's sleeping on her right side, well then I bring the right handed clubs".
    Donald says Well what do you do if she's lying on her back?"

    "Then I'll be half an hour late."
     
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  7. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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  8. Ha ha:p:p
     
    the2ems likes this.
  9. As I lay there bruised, battered and broken in the wreckage of what used to be my car, the policeman looked at me, raised an eyebrow in a condescending manner and said, “been drinking, have we sir?”

    “Yes”, I whispered.

    “well next time, get a taxi instead of letting your wife drive”.
     
  10. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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    deisedakdak, Day, Uncle Nick and 5 others like this.
  11. He's gonna have a fit!!![​IMG]

    Sent from my mobile communicating device thing using Talkatap.
     
  12. Convince people you're insane by laughing at your own jokes. Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa..............
     
  13. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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    Soggz, Jack Tatty, Uncle Nick and 3 others like this.
  14. Merlin Cat

    Merlin Cat Moderator

    Nicked from fb :)

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  15. Convince people that you are insane by repeatedly laughing at your own jokes. Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa.... Uuuurgh
     
    jivedubbin likes this.
  16. Three dogs sitting in a veterinary surgeons.
    The dog in the middle turns to the dog on his left and says, "What are you in there for?"

    The dog replies, "I was sat in the porch one morning when the postman comes up the drive, I don’t know what came over me I ran through the glass door chased him down the drive where he jumped over the gate into the road and got run over by a car and died.
    I’m here to be put down."

    The dog in the middle said, "Wow that’s a shame I’m sorry to hear that."

    He then turned to the dog on the right and says, "What are you on here for?"

    The dog replies, "I was left alone in the living room with the baby and I don’t know what came over me but I grabbed the baby and shook it to death.
    I’m here to be put down."

    The dog in the middle says, "Well that’s a shame it’s the same as the guy over here."

    Both dogs turned to the dog in the middle and said, "You’re so nosey! Why are you here?"

    "Well I was fast asleep one morning in the living room when the mistress of the house come down and started to light the coal fire, she was bent over the fire in her negligee and I couldn’t resist myself, I jumped on her back wrapped my paws around her and gave her a good seeing to!!!"

    "Jesus" said the two dogs, "What are you on here for? "

    "I’m having my nails cut" replied the dog.
     
  17. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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  18. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Mod

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  19. LEAVER: I want an omelette.

    REMAINER: Right. It’s just we haven’t got any eggs.

    LEAVER: Yes, we have. There they are. [HE POINTS AT A CAKE]

    REMAINER: They’re in the cake.

    LEAVER: Yes, get them out of the cake, please.

    REMAINER: But we voted in 1974 to put them into a cake.

    LEAVER: Yes, but that cake has got icing on it. Nobody said there was going to be icing on it.

    REMAINER: Icing is good.

    LEAVER: And there are raisins in it. I don’t like raisins. Nobody mentioned raisins. I demand another vote.

    DAVID CAMERON ENTERS.

    DAVID CAMERON: OK.

    DAVID CAMERON SCARPERS.

    LEAVER: Right, where’s my omelette?

    REMAINER: I told you, the eggs are in the cake.

    LEAVER: Well, get them out.

    EU: It’s our cake.

    JEREMY CORBYN: Yes, get them out now.

    REMAINER: I have absolutely no idea how to get them out. Don’t you know how to get them out?

    LEAVER: Yes! You just get them out and then you make an omelette.

    REMAINER: But how?! Didn’t you give this any thought?

    LEAVER: Saboteur! You’re talking eggs down. We could make omelettes before the eggs went into the cake, so there’s no reason why we can’t make them now.

    THERESA MAY: It’s OK, I can do it.

    REMAINER: How?

    THERESA MAY: There was a vote to remove the eggs from the cake, and so the eggs will be removed from the cake.

    REMAINER: Yeah, but…

    LEAVER: Hang on, if we take the eggs out of the cake, does that mean we don’t have any cake? I didn’t say I didn’t want the cake, just the bits I don’t like.

    EU: It’s our cake.

    REMAINER: But you can’t take the eggs out of the cake and then still have a cake.

    LEAVER: You can. I saw the latest Bake Off and you can definitely make cakes without eggs in them. It’s just that they’re horrible.

    REMAINER: Fine. Take the eggs out. See what happens.

    LEAVER: It’s not my responsibility to take the eggs out. Get on with it.

    REMAINER: Why should I have to come up with some long-winded incredibly difficult chemical process to extract eggs that have bonded at the molecular level to the cake, while somehow still having the cake?

    LEAVER: You lost, get over it.

    THERESA MAY: By the way, I’ve started the clock on this.

    REMAINER: So I assume you have a plan?

    THERESA MAY: Actually, back in a bit. Just having another election.

    REMAINER: Jeremy, are you going to sort this out?

    JEREMY CORBYN: Yes. No. Maybe.

    EU: It’s our cake.

    LEAVER: Where’s my omelette? I voted for an omelette.

    REMAINER: This is ridiculous. This is never going to work. We should have another vote, or at least stop what we’re doing until we know how to get the eggs out of the cake while keeping the bits of the cake that we all like.

    LEAVER/MAY/CORBYN: WE HAD A VOTE. STOP SABOTAGING THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. EGGSIT MEANS EGGSIT.

    REMAINER: Fine, I’m moving to France. The cakes are nicer there.

    LEAVER: You can’t. We’ve taken your freedom of movement.
     

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