In the words of Gordon Ramsay, “This squid is so undercooked, I can still hear it telling Spongebob to ***** off”
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On a Pifco hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping." (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Doritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (..I'm taking this because???.....) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
a priest had a heart attack, he work up on the trolly .going through the hospital. christ jesus thank you i am in heaven no said the nurse where just taking a short cut through the childrens ward
Lonely old Farmer looks at an old pond in his field and thinks to himself , Mmmmm I think I could make that in to a nice swimming pool , So he tidy it up plants a few fruit trees and puts a few seats out in the sun And potters off back to the farm house. Few days latter he hears giggling , so he picks his bucket of pigs swill and wanders down to the pond . True enough there is three young girls naked in there swimming . They shout out we arnt coming out we havnt got any clothes on you dirty old man . He thinks quick picks up his bucket of swill walks over and shouts I havnt come down to look at you, So one shouts out oh really , he’s says yeh I’ve just come down to feed my pet alligator !!
I took my wife to the doctors as I thought she might be showing signs of Tourette’s. The good news - she doesn’t have it. The bad news - she actually does think I’m a t**t and wants me to f**k off
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug... What do you call a man that used to have a spade in his head, but dosnt now? Douglas......
George from the local Sadomasochist society....... has passed away....... We are having a whip round for him late tomorrow
Bloke to his mate - there's a lot of plants that are poisonous - apricot stones have cyanide in them - and there's enough poison in the death cap toadstool to kill 10 men. Mate says - that's nothing - there's a plant in my garden - if you lie under it's leaves for 10 minutes you will die Bloke - really - what is it? Mate - a water lily
A farmer walking the lane near his farm saw a tramp reach into the hedge and pick up a hens egg Oi shouted the farmer that's my egg No said the tramp I found it so my egg My hen laid it so belongs to me Finders keepers said the tramp and we have rules in the tramping fraternity that says so Eh well here in deepest Yorkshire we have different rules, my land my hen my first choice Ok said the tramp what is it We stand 10 paces apart you open your legs and I kick you as hard as I can then it's your turn to kick me last man standing keeps the egg Ok said the tramp and stood with his legs apart 10 Paces away The Farmer took a run up and gave him a mighty kick with his hobnail boot The tramp rolled around for 10 minutes being sick and crying Then stood looked at the farmer and said ready The Farmer looked at the tramp and said Keep your bloody egg
