Saw gangs of people last night, pale faced, emaciated, tattered clothing, bemoaning the agony of an endless living death. That’s the last time I go to a vegan restaurant.
It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass with its jaws wide open ready to attack. The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in a red jersey jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat, and throttled it. As the dead dog lay there and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from The Scotsman, who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.' 'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'. The man replied, 'No, you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!' 'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now - 'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'. The man replied, 'No, you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London.' The journalist said, 'Don't worry; I can see the headline now - 'English Illegitimate child Strangles Family Pet'.
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on.’ “She did and said, ‘These are too big I can’t wear them.’I replied, ‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here – try these on.” She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.” Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that “Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, Here – you try on mine.” He did and said, “I can’t get into your pants.” Karen said, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude,you never will.”
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI. As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home. On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi. The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice. Santa Claus is in direct contravention of article 4, paragraph 8 of the General Data Protection Regulations.
My mate broke into a house and started slashing all the curtains with a knife he then ripped them down and started dragging them all around the house, the police have charged him with affray
how many DERRYWOMEN does it take to change a light bulb none ,they sit round a table and form a SUPPRORT GROUP to cope with darkness
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said - Thanks -but how do you know I am not a serial killer? I replied - The chances of there being two serial killers in the same car are astronomical.
A woman invites her lover over while her husband is at work, not realizing her son is at home. Once he sees them together, the boy gets curious and hides in the closet to watch them. Unexpectedly, the husband comes home and the wife rushes the lover into the closet not knowing her son is there. The little boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “It’s dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? “The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.” “I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “It’s dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
My wife and I went on one of those Dickins experience weekends , we saw where he lived, we read his work, then they gave us food from Dickins times, we tried the beer and wine, my wife said the best part of the day was a Dickins cider
