I have a cat. I hate my cat. The only reason we have the little s**t machine is because my missus started on about having a kid about 10 years ago and I thought it might delay that conversation turning into an unnecessary argument. After all, they only live a couple of years, don’t they? No. No, they don’t. They live forever. They are immortal. Cats and a DFS sale are the only two sure fire survivors come the apocalypse. Anywho. I have just spent a year single-handedly redoing my garden from nothing and am pretty proud of my lush green lawn. Apparently, the feline Hitler that owns my house is also pretty fond of it too and shows his gratitude for my hard labour by laying cat eggs all over it. Does anyone know a legal way of stopping the spawn of Satan and his dirty little habits? I’ve coated the lawn in a mixture of garlic, chilli powder and washing up liquid to deter him, but i think he must be a bit partial to a Bhuna as it seems to have done nothing to stop him. Help me. Please, help me.